Fear has entered in my mind: I don´t know if I dare think what I do, I cannot cope with reality: is it possible that we are all sacrificed for somebody´s lack of political judgement, or worse, madness. I am censoring my thoughts afraid to think in personal tones, afraid to be heard, judged and executed. The conflict is escalating, the atrocities are daily happenings. I think of buying some pills for calming down, sleeping and sleeping, maybe forever , if it comes to atrocities. And I think of it rationally, not with pain, not with pathos. I am a well-organized person, especially in critical situations. I hate the fear in the movements and the eyes of people around me, I avoid them and spend time with children, they cannot have that kind of fear yet, or is it that they didn´t lose it yet, after surviving birth?
My head and language are getting stiff, they have to incorporate all these controversial meanings; I despise getting along in war, no space for feminine language, no free space. The fear is male-gendered, I can tell that, and our male persona suffers from it, even if we are women, acting as such. Women from women´s groups and NGOs are rescuing Albanian women with families from Pristina in flames and terror: risking their lives, as usual, as in the previous wars. Yes, the new feeling I have this morning is that it will end, it must and it will, with or without us, the so-called details...