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25.4.99 I just saw a film by Peter Weir with Jeff Bridges: the recovery from a posttraumatic shock after the plane crashed. I am there, I cannot say yet I was there, I am still there. Now I know it definitely, we are all there, and the ones who are not yet soon will be, the defenses are falling down, one by one. And I am not afraid of death anymore, nor of flights or bombs. I was, my God, I had phobias, after the emergency landing in '97 in a Swissair flight which a year later crashed at the same place. I developed phobias after NATO threatened to bomb Belgrade in 92, 95, 98... Now I have planes bombing us and here I am, without phobias, but I am not here I am there, beyond fear of death, with only strong wish to die together with the ones and life I love. I am crying with relief every day not with fear, I am seeing only people who are sharing or have shared my reality, I am not wasting my life and time anymore: maybe I will never come back, but I am not sorry, on the contrary I am sorry for my wasted time, though fun it was so let it be... Last night I dreamed that some kind of police, without clear signs, but in uniforms with weapons rant the bell of my door: they were coming to get the men. I didn't stir, I didn't breathe, I thought it was real, even this morning I am not sure I dreamt it. We cannot watch the state TV anymore, since last night: so the kids were right, they dreamed of a boom boom, not of police... Politicians here are speaking of total war, all Serbian blood spilled; people are talking of life without water and electricity; our Bosnian friends are sending us instructions how to survive, I guess, both. Children are playing all day long, we are playing with children, to keep them busy, denied any bigger responsibilities... I walked on the streets of Belgrade, after many days, I dared look close at the debris of hit building in the center, and the faces of the passer by-es. Now the buildings, I ma really not impressed as I thought I would, we sat in a café in front of a destroyed building: it felt natural. But the faces of the people: they are long, worried, different, definitely different from the e ones I used to see, more or less appealing to my sense of decency. I am glad it happened, I ma glad people are finally worried, thinking for themselves after many many years. My friend , who takes care of her very old father said when she heard that official TV was hit: Oh my God, what shall I do now, without that TV he cries and refuses to use the toilet... We are trying to present all texts in all languages. However, due to a limited resources we are not always able to achieve this goal. If you would like to translate material for us, please contact us. |
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