#PERIOD AFTER Jasmina Tesanovic - 30/04/1999- Belgrade


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30.4.99
My friend's son, a soldier somewhere in Kosovo, send a message: he wants to marry his girlfriend because he might be killed, so she can have his flat legally... Step by step, down, down: every day crossing a new border of horror: yesterday's fear is today's habit. Last night the bomb hit only 100m from my home, the blast was so strong that the building was shaking for minutes from one side to another: we hang to each other, over each other laughing nervously. Somebody said: they will kill us all after all, biologically or physically. Then we went to bed, all together. After few hours no explosions, only shakings: again we hang to each other, sleepy without saying anything: no news on TV. The earthquakes following the explosion went on and on, we are shaking and feeling sick. Never before Belgrade was hit so strongly: dead bodies are lying around the destroyed buildings, alarm of destroyed cars pitching strange tunes, rescue vans circling with lights on: full moon. And the life goes on: today with no buses, trams: forbidden salad and market food because of the poisoning of earth and air by uranium; no information because it doesn't bring help anyway...

After 37 days of air strikes, I finally gave in and let my daughter go out during the alarm: only half an hour though, but I know that now there is no way back, to normality. Anyway, who still knows here what is normality, we are trying to enjoy whatever is left of our lives, call it as you wish. I feel a very dangerous moment is coming , creeping behind my back, up my spine: the pleasure of risk, of death... The instinct of death is getting stronger in respect to fear of dying. Fear of death is not the same as fear of dying: the first one brings pleasure, the second depression. Old people, for years depressed because of their reduced lives, without strength, emotions, money or medicine, now are rising from the dead: together with us, younger and young ones: every morning all together we rise from the dead.


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